March 4, 2020

“Same-sex romantic behavior cannot lead to eternal marriage and is therefore not compatible
with the honor code.”
-Paul V. Johnson
Commissioner, Church Educational System

Blue walls, blue carpet and blue chairs in the office
Run by counseling and psychological services.
I sit, wearing a different college’s t-shirt, asking you if you’re
Going to be okay. you say you’re not sure, and i realize
How foolish we all were. our hope proved damaging.
As if they’d really let the gay students date,
Make an exception to their orthodoxy.

You kissed me only five days earlier,
Our lips locked in a driveway while our heartbeats synchronized.
Until then that school hadn’t entered my mind.
Never thought about the shackles, the anxiety, the
Ground troops searching for the wrong people holding hands.

Until silence demands your loyalty, you never
Notice. i did not care for the quiet suffering until
I fell into it, in love with a student sworn to secrecy.
Vows made in a two week gap between implicit permission and
Explicit rebuke. learned the power of words that can shatter,
Rot, singe, and burst. the pain that can drip from a sentence.
Somewhere, there’s a moment of silence for stars gone black.
In the back, someone pulls out a megaphone.
Transfer! transfer! transfer!
You tell me this bitterly. i hold your hand.